Traditional Gender Roles in Marriage: Our 31-Year Story (No Apologies)

Let me just say it: my husband and I have traditional gender roles in our marriage. He handles the lawn, the cars, the repairs, anything outside. I handle the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, everything inside. We’ve been married 31 years, and we don’t fight about household chores. Not because we’re perfect, but because we figured out what works for us and stopped apologizing for it.

If something happened to him, I wouldn’t know how to start the lawn mower. If something happened to me, he wouldn’t know how to use the washing machine. And you know what? We’re okay with that.

Why I’m Writing This Post

I know this isn’t a trendy take. I know the internet says we’re supposed to split everything 50/50, track every chore equity on apps, and make sure no one is doing “more” than the other.

But here’s the thing: that’s not our life. And it’s not wrong.

I’m writing this because I think there are a lot of women out there living traditionally who feel like they have to hide it or defend it constantly. Like they’re somehow failing feminism or setting women back because they do the dishes while their husband mows the lawn.

I’m tired of that narrative. So here’s our story – not to tell you what to do, but to give permission to women who are living this way and wondering if they’re the only ones.

How we Ended Up With Traditional Roles

It Wasn’t Really a Decision

We didn’t sit down 31 years ago and decide “You do outside, I do inside.” It just…..evolved.

Early in our marriage, I cooked because I was better at it and actually enjoyed it. He handled the yard because he didn’t mind it and I hated being outside in the heat. Over time, those patterns solidified.

I took over laundry, grocery shopping, meal planning,-the daily inside stuff. He took over car maintenance, home repairs, lawn care-the outside and technical stuff.

We Play to Our Strengths

Here’s what I learned after three decades: trying to split everything 50/50 is exhausting when you have different strengths.

I’m good at organizing, planning, managing, the household rhythm. He’s good at fixing things, handling heavy physical work, dealing with technical problems.

Could I learn to fix the car? Sure. Could he learn to meal plan? Probably. But Why? We’d both be doing things we’re not naturally good at, just to prove some point about equality.

Instead, we each handle what we are good at. And we both contribute fully-just in different ways.

Why This Works Without Resentment

I know what you’re thinking: “But don’t you feel like his maid? Don’t you resent doing all the inside work?

Short answer: No

Here’s why:

We Both Value Each Other’s Contributions Equally

My husband doesn’t think his work is more important than mine. I don’t think my work is more important than his.

He knows managing the household, cooking three meals a day, keeping everything running-that’s WORK. Real Work. And he respects it.

I know that maintaining our home, keeping the cars running, handling repairs-that’s WORK. Real Work. And I respect it.

Neither of us keeps score. Neither of us thinks were doing “more.” We’re both both contributing to our family in the ways that make sense.

We Don’t Have Unrealistic Expectations

I don’t expect him to come home from work and immediately start doing laundry. He doesn’t expect me to go out and mow the lawn in 90-degree heat.

We’ve divided our responsibilities in a way where we both know what we’re responsible for. There’s no daily negotiation, no resentment about who’s doing what.

It’s just……our life.

We Help Each Other When Needed

This isn’t some rigid system where we never cross the line.

When I’m sick or having a bad RA Flare, he steps in. He’ll order takeout, handle dinner, do whatever needs to be done.

When he’s overwhelmed with work or a big project, I don’t add to his plate. I handle things without complaint.

We’re a team. We just happen to play different positions most of the time.

The “But What If” Question

People always ask: “But what if something happens to him? What if something happens to you?”

Fair question. And honestly? We’ve talked about it.

What we’ve Decided

If something happened to him, would i figure out the lawn mower? Yes. Would I learn to change the oil or fix the leaky faucet? Yes. Would he learn to cook basic meals? He’d have to.

We’re not incapable. We’ve just chosen to divide responsibilities in a way that works for our daily life.

In an emergency, we’d both adapt. But we’re not going to live our daily lives preparing for worst-case scenarios. We’re going to live in a way that makes our actual life manageable and peaceful.

We’re Not Incompetent

I think people assume that because I don’t mow the lawn, I CAN’T. Or because he doesn’t do laundry, he’s helpless.

That’s not it. We’re both capable adults. We’ve just specialized.

If I needed to, I could figure out the mower. If he needed to, he could figure out the washing machine. But in the day-to-day, we each stick to our lane because it’s EASIER and more efficient.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Let me paint you a picture of our actual life:

My responsibilities:

• All cooking and meal planning
• All laundry
• Inside cleaning (kitchen, bathrooms, floors, etc.)
• Grocery Shopping
• Managing the household calendar and schedule
• Caring for our disabled son (Daily needs, appointments, etc)

His responsibilities:

• Lawn care and outdoor maintenance
• All car maintenance and repairs
• Home repairs (plumbing, electrical, etc.)
• Heavy lifting
• Anything that requires tools or technical knowledge

Shared:

• Finances (we do our weekly money meetings together)
• Major decisions about the house or family
• Parenting decisions

Is this perfect? No. Some weeks I’m exhausted and wish I didn’t have to cook. Some week’s he’s overwhelmed with a big repair project.

But overall? It WORKS. We’re not fighting. We’re not keeping score. We’re just living our life.

Why I’m Not Apologizing for This

Here’s where I might lose some people, and that’s okay.

I’m not going to apologize for living traditionally. I’m not going to feel guilty because my life doesn’t look like what the internet says a “modern marriage” should look like.

We’ve been married for 31 years. Most of the people telling me I’m doing it wrong haven’t been married for half as long or or coming from failed marriages.

I’m not saying traditional roles are the ONLY way or the BEST way. I’m saying they’re OUR way, and they work for us.

This Isn’t About Setting Women Back

Some people think women who live traditionally are betraying feminism or setting women back.

I disagree.

Feminism, to me, is about CHOICE. I chose this life> I’m not trapped. I’m not oppressed. I’m not a victim.

I’m a woman who looked at her strengths, and their life together, and made a choice about how to run their home.

That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.

I’m Not Telling You What to Do

If you want to split chores 50/50, great. If you want your husband to do all the cooking, awesome. If you want to mow the lawn while he does laundry, go for it.

I’m not here to prescribe what YOUR marriage should look like.

I’m just here to say: if you’re living traditionally and it works for you, you don’t have to apologize for it.

When Traditional Roles Don’t Work

Let me be clear: traditional roles only work when both people are happy with them.

If one person feels trapped, resentful, or unappreciated-That’s a problem. That’s not about traditional vs. modern. That’s about one person feeling undervalued.

Traditional roles work in our marriage because:

• We both chose this
• We both respect each other’s contributions
• Neither of us feels taken advantage of
• We adjust when life changes (my RA, our son’s needs, etc)
• We communicate when something isn’t working

If your in a traditional setup and you’re MISERABLE, that’s worth examining. Maybe the division doesn’t actually fit your strengths. Maybe one person isn’t pulling their weight. Maybe there’s a lack of respect or appreciation.

But that’s not a problem with traditional roles. That’s a relationship problem.

What I’d Tell My Younger Self

If I could go back 31 years, here’s what I’d say:

Stop worrying about what other people think your marriage should look like. You and your husband are the only two people who matter in this decision.

Play to your strengths. Don’t do things just to prove you can or because someone said you should. Do what makes sense for your life.

Respect each other’s contributions. His work isn’t more important than yours. Yours isn’t more important than his. You’re both essential.

Adjust as life changes. What works in your 20s might not work in your 50s. That’s okay. Keep communicating.

Don’t apologize for being happy. If your marriage works and you’re both content, you’re winning. It doesn’t matter if looks like someone else’s Instagram.

For Women Living This Way

If you’re reading this and thinking “Finally, someone gets it”-this is for you.

You’re not backwards. You’re not oppressed. You’re not failing at modern womanhood.

You’re living YOUR life in a way that works for YOUR family.

Stop apologizing.

Stop feeling like you have to defend yourself at every dinner party when someone asks “Wait, your husband doesn’t cook?”

Stop feeling guilty when you see posts about “emotional labor” and “equal division of household work.”

If your marriage works, if you’re both happy, if you both feel valued-you’re doing it right.

There’s no prize for having the most “modern” marriage. There’s no award for splitting chores exactly 50/50.

The only only thing that matters is: Does your marriage work for the two people in it?

If yes, you’re winning. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Final Thoughts

Thirty-one years in, here’s what I know: There’s no one right way to run a marriage or home.

Some couples thrive with a 50/50 splits. Some couples thrive with traditional roles. Some couples do something totally different.

What matters isn’t the system. What matters is mutual respect, communication, and both people being valued.

My husband mows the lawn. I do the laundry. He fixes things. I cook things. We’ve been doing this for three decades, and we’re still a team.

That’s not boring. That’s not backwards. That’s not wrong.

That’s just…..us.

And we’re pretty happy with it.

CALL TO ACTION:

What does your marriage look like? Traditional? Modern? Something in between? I’d love to hear your story in the comments-especially if you’re living traditionally and tired of apologizing for it.

From my Hearth to Yours,

Becky♥️